I have no obligation to feel the way I do, you’re right
I’m not yours
You’re not my mister
I mean, I have my best interest for my heart
But a girl cannot go on longing for love that isn’t going to happen
Or wanting someone who isn’t hers
Or ever going to be
It’s been too long to long for the future
& the present is intense
And the past hasn’t been nothing but dense arguments and time wasted on bad expense
So I feel like it’s time to say fuck you
I mean fuck it
It’s all been so pretentious in false attempt to claim what has never commenced
I used to know you
We were almost identical it seemed
Our nerves would react at the same moment every time our eyes made contact
& I couldn’t combat the deal I made with my heart and soul’s contract to keep on ever loving you
But oh how so quickly that turned blue
My heart froze cold before my fingers could touch you
My stomach started aching before our problems became verbal
Stopped all interaction before my fingers turned purple
Just stopped knowing you
It started with texts that always ended
Empty conversations that couldn’t be amended
Our infatuation with each other seemed to be suspended and was being apprehended because I just stopped knowing you
I couldn’t figure out who you were
Who I was
Why I loved
Why I fell down from my dream cloud up above
I was blind obviously
But then again, that could happen when your day dreaming too close to the sun
Of course I thought you were the one
But I didn’t know you
So I stopped before we even begun
We were close once….
Which is better? Being single or in a relationship?, They asked
Well to start, I’m doing just fine
I didn’t die of being alone yet
And I’m single!
I mean, yes I’m lonely at nights
But I have my pillows!
And I take a lot comfort in that
But I assume when couples are lonely, pillows don’t suffice and that in itself makes them more lonely
And who needs more loneliness at this time in the world?
Or at this time of night…..
I like that I don’t have commitment
I’m young, not too sure what I need in life
I know what I want
But do I truly need binding love at this age?
I was taught this though and society seems to shove it down my throat
But I think the 20s are for living
Do I want with someone from now to the end of my days?
I mean, that’s what its about right?
Loving until love itself is not enough and we have to bind ourselves with marriage to show everyone that love wasn’t enough
I never understood marriage….
But am I ready to stick with someone forever and after?
I don’t know
Am I ready to love fully and forever
But am I ready to do so now
I don’t even know myself
I’m still learning to differentiate love, lust and infatuation
And if someone comes around, yes I will date them
But I don’t want to dabble in any ole relationship
More so because most of them turn out to be relationshits
I think I’ve answered your question….
Letting you go is so much more than hard.
It’s been painful, joyous, frightening and a bunch of words that wouldn’t even be synonymous to each other.
Although your physically gone, emotionally I still share some kind of attachment to you.
It’s minimal but I still care.
Enough to write this.
I still dream about you.
It’s always something weird…
Thoughts of you and us run reluctanly through my mind daily but I know you wern’t for me.
Now I know.
You definitely were not “the one”.
But you opened my eyes.
I have such a better understanding about what I need, my demands.
How a relationship should work.
Things that shouldn’t happen.
How being in love feels again.
You helped me become a better woman.
I’m so much more stronger an confident.
I thank you for that.
And I know whoever is next for you will never be me.
And whoever is next for me will never be you because we both are such unique beings.
And so were our experiences.
So, I can only hope for the best for you and hope that in time we can see each other and laugh at the past.
But for now, I shall look past you.
Farewell my love.
Bustier: Nasty Gal
Skirt: American Apparel
Knee Highs: Garment District
Hat: Newbury Comics
Necklace: Charlotte Russe
Dress: Charlotte Russe
Shorts: American Apparel
Boots: Love Culture
So if you been following me, you would have noticed I titled an Ootd (outfit of the day) post, “Welcome Back to America”
Many of you may not have even know I was gone — I am truly a bad blogger
Well yes, I left mid February to go back home to my country Trinidad in midst of it’s Carnival celebration. I partied, spent time with family and all in all enjoyed myself to the max. I was the happiest woman alive.
So here are some photos from my mini vacation….
Carnival Monday with YumaInside “Flash light up the Night”Inside “Pandemonium: Flight Cruise Jouvert”
Carnival Tuesday with YumaInside Yuma: NeonEnroute to Army Fete Before Machel MondayOut shopping Up countryside with neighbors
My grandfather and IBefore a night on the Avenue
Wining on a wall. Broke my wall virginity this year!
Makeup for Carnival Monday. Done by moi!!!